The Etiquette of Miscarriages

I was talking to one of my close friends a couple weeks ago and she was telling me that she just barely went through a miscarriage. I wasn't there in person as I was talking to her over the phone, but I sincerely wished that I could've just thrown my arms around her and given her a shoulder to cry on. As she explained to me her feelings through a choked up voice, I began to get teary-eyed as I could remember those feelings of loss and what could have been. She began to explain some frustrations she had about sharing her miscarriage with other people, and that she didn't really feel heard, understood, or that her emotions were being validated (mostly because she wasn't that far along, and she is still a young, healthy girl, so she still has time--this is what others have told her).

I wrote a blog post a while back about my experience going through a few miscarriages, and because of that I had quite a few of my friends confide in me that they had gone through the same thing and didn't really feel like they had a safe outlet to talk about it--mainly because of insensitive comments from people they DID talk to about it.

Now, I will admit, I did not really understand what this felt like until I went through it. We didn't have miscarriages before we had Andrew, so I didn't know what it felt like to try to start of a family and not be successful on the first, second, third, etc. pregnancies. I will also say that as I was going through my miscarriages, I felt like I couldn't really be as sad as those who didn't have any kids yet because hey, at least I was already able to start my family. Shouldn't I have been grateful for the one kid I already did have?

I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was, and I know that everyone handles miscarriage differently. I think everyone who has one mourns, but some people get over it more quickly than others, and for some people, it's something they never really get over. Neither response is "correct." One is not more noble than the other.

But understanding that people handle trials differently is SO KEY to helping everyone cope with what life has dealt them.

With all of that said, many of my friends and I heard a lot of the same comments from different people, and we collectively came up with a list. Here's a list of what NOT to say when someone has a miscarriage...

"At least you weren't that far along." (Most of my friends were still in their first trimester when it happened, so true, they were not that far along. However, this comment stings because it's the loss of what would have been your child, so when you say this it kind of discounts that possibility of what might have been. I think this is the hardest thing for people going through miscarriages to deal with--what might have been).

"Oh, one of my friends had 5 miscarriages and another one of my friends had a still-born baby." or "One of my friends delivered a super-premature baby that didn't live." (I think people might say these comments to let their friends know that they aren't alone, and since they haven't ever experienced a miscarriage they feel like they can't really understand, so they try and tell them about someone else they know that went through a similar experience, but it kind of sounds like you're one-upping them, and you're also taking the hurt away from them. Trust me, those who go through miscarriages won't be self-absorbed in their hurt forever, and they will eventually realize that it could have been worse, but in the moment, it feels like the worst thing in the world. One-upping their story will not make them feel better.)

"It's just your body telling you that there was something wrong with the development." (Scientifically and logically, yes, this makes sense. However, when people first go through a miscarriage they don't need a scientific explanation--they need an empathetic response. Those who go through miscarriage know all the science behind it, and eventually it will help them cope, but that's not what they need right away).

"Miscarriages are more common than you think--they pretty much happen to every woman at some point in their lives." (True, I read a statistic once that 80% of women will experience a miscarriage. While it might seem like it should be a comforting fact--that it's normal and it happens often and to not be discouraged, this comment can again feel like you're diminishing the hurt that someone is going through in that moment).

"Well at least you already have a kid/kids." (Ya...but they would like to add to their family...)

"This is just the Lord's way of telling you that the timing wasn't right." (Try this line out on someone who has had an engagement called off on them--do you think it'd turn out super well? Probably not, and it wouldn't in this situation either. Yes, the timing clearly wasn't right, but that doesn't make it any easier when you already had it set in your mind that this is when you were going to have a baby. Also, please don't tell them to have faith in the Lord's timing. Just because you are going through trial and having a hard time dealing with it does NOT mean that you lack faith).

I've learned from talking to my friends and from my own experience, that really all people need is just a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to listen. If you haven't been through a miscarriage and you can't really understand, try saying, "That must be so hard--I'm so sorry this happened!" If you HAVE gone through a miscarriage (and you may already be over it), just say "I went through a miscarriage and I remember it being really difficult at the time." You don't need to go on and say how time will eventually heal this wound or anything. Let the other person lead the discussion and if they'd like more information about your experience to help them cope, they will ask for it.

Miscarriage and infertility are such tender subjects, and to have someone open up to you about their experience means that they trust you and are looking to you for comfort. My dear mother-in-law posted this picture on facebook and I loved it.

17 Weeks!

Wow! This pregnancy is flying by! I cannot believe that we are almost half way done with this one!

Here's the update so far:

How Far Along: About 17 weeks.  Who's counting? haha

Size of Baby: According to babycenter.com my baby is 5 inches and 5 ounces (the size of a turnip--how cute!)

Maternity Clothes: What's considered maternity clothes? I'm in that awkward stage of pregnancy where you don't have a cute round bump, but you don't have a flat stomach either. You just look like you've kind of let yourself go a little bit. Anywho, so I'm not in maternity clothes, but there are some of my tops that I don't wear anymore. I can still wear all my jeans and skirts, but I had to go get some tops that were a little looser around the stomach area for this awkward stage.

Gender: I'm sticking to my original guess of it being a boy, and Grant thinks it's a girl. Just a funny story about this: The OBGYN office that I go to has 3 locations. The one I normally go to is in Northern VA, but they also have one in DC that's about 5 minutes from Grant's work. So I already set up the 20 week ultrasound at that office so Grant could be there during his lunch hour to find out the gender with me. Well, last week I went in and they did an ultrasound, and the tech offered to tell me the gender of the baby! I just about died! I was SO TEMPTED to find out the gender and just act surprised when I went in with Grant, but I know I couldn't have kept it a secret for a whole month from him. So, alas, I had to pass on finding out since Grant couldn't be there with me, but it's been killing me! I cannot wait till March 3rd!

Movement: So with Andrew, this is when I started to feel some flutters, but with this baby I started feeling flutters about a week and a half ago, and just recently have felt more direct movement. I've been lucky that with both pregnancies the placenta has been behind the baby, so I have been able to feel both Andrew and this baby pretty early.

Sleep: Lots and lots of sleep. Thank goodness Andrew sleeps well at night, and he takes wonderful naps during the day. I do think I'm going to get some vitamin B though--I really shouldn't be this tired during the second trimester. I took some vitamin B with Andrew and it really helped with my energy level.

What I miss: Being able to exercise. I didn't miss it so much the first couple months (because really, who wants to exercise while they feel nauseous?) but exercise has always been a great release for me and way to clear my head. So, I do miss that outlet, but Grant is always good to give me a break and let me get out of the house while he watches Andrew.

Cravings: Hmm, the cravings have slowed down quite a bit. Once in a while I'll crave something really random, but I feel like my eating habits are basically back to normal.

Aversions: OK, so they're back to normal except for the aversions. I still can't eat anything super saucy. This probably won't change until baby #2 is a couple months old (same thing happened with Andrew).

Symptoms:  Hmmmm, except for me getting a little more fat and being tired, nothing too bad :)

Best Moment: So, a couple weeks ago we had a bit of a scare. I went into preterm labor with Andrew, so this pregnancy I have to get progesterone shots. Long story short, I was having contractions a couple weeks ago (yes, at 15 weeks--you read that right), so I went in and they gave me a shot, but originally my body wasn't responding. The doctors were concerned that I wouldn't make it to 26 weeks if my body wasn't responding to the progesterone shots, but after a couple days and one more shot the contractions started to calm down. That was the best moment! I may have to get shots more often or take supplements, but I don't care. I've put myself on an unofficial bed rest. I still move around the house and do light housework, but I also lay down as much as I can. I just want my body to carry this healthy baby as long as it can, and I cried out of happiness when the shots started working. Scariest 2 days of my life, but Heavenly Father answers prayers.

Why go to church when you have small kids?

Ever asked yourself this question? Especially after you've been roaming the halls for 45 minutes trying to catch glimpses of talks or lessons? Especially after taking a screaming baby out of sacrament meeting? I know I have!

There was an article about this in the January Ensign, and I thought it was inspiring. It's from a young mom of 6 kids whose husband has a demanding calling, so she needs to get all the kids ready for church by herself while her husband is at meetings and help them stay reverent for all 3 hours of church--much of the time she's out in the halls and she hardly hears a lesson taught or a talk given. A sister asked her "Why even come to church?" As she thought about it, her response would have been "Because that's what we do on Sundays--we go to church."

I want to take this faithful woman's response even further, and explain why it is so important and imperative to continue going to church (even when you feel like you aren't getting anything out of it). Why it's important to establish this pattern.

All throughout the scriptures, patterns are taught. The Savior teaches the pattern of baptism, of the sacrament, we learn the pattern of the pride cycle and how to avoid it, the General Authorities teach us patterns of receiving revelation and personal inspiration. Patterns are all around us. Why is it important that the pattern of going to church weekly is established?

First, your kids learn the importance of the sacrament. Grant and I try to hold Andrew on our laps and not let him crawl around until the priesthood holders have finished passing the sacrament. We are trying to teach him at an early age that being reverent during this special time where we get to reflect on our weeks and renew baptismal covenants. I will admit, this is quite the battle and we are not always successful--but Andrew has made progress and it is getting easier. We are constantly pulling out new toys and books for him to read, but so far it's been a success to keep him quiet and happy during those first 20 minutes of the sacrament meeting. We are hoping that as we establish this physical pattern of sitting still and being reverent, that in the future it can lead into WHY we need to be reverent, and we can then explain the importance of the sacrament at a time when he understands. Going to church and establishing that physical pattern of putting on your Sunday best every week will then help your children establish spiritual patterns of using church to help them rejuvenate their spirits for the rest of the week.

I also firmly believe that even though young babies and toddlers might not always understand what is being said, that they can still feel the spirit. Andrew always enjoys when the congregation sings together because the music is touching his spirit. Going to church doesn't always have to be something where you understand the words being said, but you can definitely feel your spirit being touched. Kids need that every week.

The whole reason why I'm writing this post is because this is something that I've struggled with. Why am I even going to church when WE are not getting anything out of it?  Grant and I are either walking around trying to get Andrew asleep, or trying to distract him in class so he won't get frustrated. Since I'm working with the Young Women, Grant is kind enough to take Andrew during the 3rd hour. He rarely hears an entire Elder's Quorum lesson, and spends much of his time in the back while Andrew crawls around. I then realized that I've been focusing too much on ME, and not enough on Andrew. As I've started to change my focus, my Sundays have been so much better. Nothing has really changed. Grant and I still don't hear much of talks or lessons (just like every other parent), but I've been content to realize that I'm doing an important work in helping my kids establish these important patterns.

So, if you're in the same boat as me and you've been struggling too, just know you're not alone :) You are helping to establish an important pattern that will shape your kids testimonies and lives. This stage of life is hard because it will be a while before you can see the rewards of your diligence, but I know that they will come. I'm grateful that we get to go to church every week, and even though I don't hear much of anything, I'm grateful for the spirit I feel, for the chance to renew my baptismal covenants, and for the patterns that I'm instilling in my children.

12 Weeks With #2!

Wasn't that long ago that I was doing these posts for Andrew...how time flies!

How Far Along: 12 weeks and 1 day. 

Size of Baby: According to babycenter.com my baby is 2 inches long and is about the size of a small lime.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Not yet!

Maternity Clothes: Not quite yet. I don't really like anything tight around my waist, so I'm not wearing certain skirts or jeans, but other than that things are still normal. I have my belly-band from my pregnancy with Andrew, so I'm ready to bust that sucker out whenever I need it.

Gender: I kind of think it's a boy, just because my pregnancy has been very similar to my pregnancy with Andrew, but we'll find out March 3rd. I'm probably way off-I was thoroughly convinced that Andrew was going to be a girl, and I was way off. We'll see :)

Movement: According to babycenter.com my baby is moving around like crazy, but it's still obviously very early for me to feel any movement. The ultrasound tech did say though that my placenta is behind the baby, so I will probably feel this baby early, and earlier than when I felt Andrew because I'll know what it feels like.

Sleep: When I can. Honestly, as soon as Andrew goes down for a nap I drop everything and take a nap as well. Right now I'm only taking one nap a day during his morning nap, but some days I also sleep in the afternoon. It just depends on how Andrew does during the night and how early he gets up.

What I miss: Hmm, if I had to pick something I'd say being able to exercise. That's been kaboshed (even though I was exercising pretty much every day before) because we're trying to do everything we can to prevent pre-term labor. To be honest, I don't miss it that much--I'm just grateful to be pregnant with a healthy baby and grateful that there are things I can do to try and prevent a premature baby in the future.

Cravings: Any meat. This is how I was with Andrew's pregnancy (it hit me around 17 weeks or so), but it has hit me earlier with this pregnancy. I was a little bit anemic with Andrew, so maybe my body knows it needs some extra meat and spinach.

Aversions: Anything that has been cooked in sauce, or anything really saucy. Like anything cooked in BBQ sauce I can't handle, or like homemade orange chicken (used to be my favorite). I can dip stuff in BBQ sauce or like put it on my burger or something, but the meat can't be cooked in it, or if it is I need to scrape off as much as I can.

Symptoms:  Just nauseous and tiredness (though to be fair, the tiredness is probably just from being a mom). I was only nauseous with Andrew for about 3 weeks, and it was about the same with this pregnancy as well. Although with Andrew I threw up and I didn't with this pregnancy. I certainly wanted to though! I'm sure I would've felt so much better :)

Best Moment: Probably when I went in for my 8 week appointment and there was a heartbeat! It put my mind at ease a little bit that this pregnancy might actually stick, and it did :) We feel so lucky and blessed to have another sweet child come into our family!

Here Comes #2!

Well, it's true! We are expecting baby #2! I know Andrew and this baby are going to be ridiculously close (16.5 months apart), but we wouldn't have it any other way (yes, this was planned--I know, call us crazy). We always wanted our first two kids to be close in age, so we are excited that it happened!

When I found out we were pregnant Grant had already gone to work. I took a pregnancy test, and at first it came back negative. I knew that I had to wait at least 3 minutes though to get accurate results, so I went and cleaned up our bedroom a little bit. I was expecting to come back and see a negative result and just throw it away, but when I came back I saw a faint second line. I was so ecstatic! And was then reminded that I just went through 3 miscarriages, and to not get my hopes up. I was about 4 weeks along when we found out.

I prayed every morning and evening that I would get morning sickness and all the other
symptoms that come along with pregnancy, because then I would know that things were working like they were supposed to. A couple weeks later I woke up one morning with Andrew and wanted nothing more than to throw up. I've never been so grateful to feel like crap in my life. I'm sure all of my pregnant friends would like to give me a swift punch to the face for saying that, but when you've gone through the emotional roller-coaster of 3 miscarriages, you will be grateful for ANY sign that things are working--even feeling nauseous. I haven't thrown up, just felt nauseous--I'll take it!

Things are going to be crazy for a while after the baby is born, but we are so happy that our first 2 will be so close in age and we're excited to add another sweet child into our family. 

It All Works Out

I was recently reminded of an experience that Grant and I went through last year and I wanted to share it.

When Grant and I were first married, we both had a couple years of school ahead of us. It seemed like we were so far away from where we wanted to be--we were anxious to begin our family, but also wanted to graduate school without going into debt. We wanted so much to be done with school and move on with adulthood. With the economy the way it was a couple years ago, we were both a little stressed about whether or not Grant would be able to find a job upon graduation. At the time Grant was trying to decide what he should major in, and we would both discuss it pretty much on a daily basis. We are both planners and wanted to just know what would happen the next couple years so we could prepare. We really had to just take it one semester at a time. Each semester we would discuss our finances, where we would be working and how many hours a week, and discuss majors, when we should start a family, etc. And each semester things became a bit more clear. Last year when we were celebrating our 2 year anniversary, we were pregnant with Andrew and I was teaching, and Grant had just accepted a job offer here in DC. I remember us saying to each other that we wish we could go back to the newly-married versions of ourselves and tell them to relax a little bit, and just know that everything would work out. Something that Grant and I said to each other at the beginning of each semester was "Well, Heavenly Father hasn't let us down yet, so He's not going to now." That was pretty much how we went into each semester--not knowing what was coming down the road for us, but trusting that if we did our best to make things work and follow the spirit, that Heavenly Father would guide us to what we should be doing, and what He has planned for us. At times doors that we thought had promise would close, and other times where unexpected windows would open that would lead to things better than what we had planned.

Recently, we have kind of been feeling the same way we did when we were first married. This stage of life is difficult because you have so many options in front of you, and you don't want to be scared about making the wrong choice. We've been wondering if we should go back to grad-school, or wondering how long we will be here in DC, where we eventually want to live, when we should get a sibling for Andrew, etc. We were both reminded of that experience we had last year though, and we know that we'll be able to look back at this time in our lives and say "I wish we could go back to those versions of ourselves and tell them to relax a little bit, and just know that everything would work out." We've been reminded that Heavenly Father has never let us down, He has never lead us astray, and as we continue to seek His spirit daily that we will be guided. We've also learned that Heavenly Father trusts us to make our own decisions. Sometimes it's not a matter of making the perfect, right decision, but rather making the decision right or perfect. We know there will be times in our lives where there will be a clear direction of where to go, and other times when we will be able to make a choice for ourselves, and both choices will be good in the sight of Heavenly Father.

Heavenly Father has His eye on all of us and He hasn't forgotten about anyone. It life seems a little dark right now and you're not sure exactly where you're going and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, just take it one step at a time--you only need to see one step ahead of you. When you reach the end you'll be able to look back and see the marvelous path that Heavenly Father has led you down.

To All My Pregnant Friends

A couple days ago I was reminiscing about the night that Andrew was born and I wanted to document some really tender moments that I wasn't expecting to have, but I think every woman has them after they give birth. So after Andrew was born, I held him for about a minute, and then they took him down to the NICU to get an IV in him and check his vitals and what not. Grant went with him, and I was just caught up in the whirlwind that just happened that I was grateful for some peace and quiet with my mom who had just gotten into town. I was also starving, so I talked to my mom while I ate, and waited for the bleeding to slow down a little bit before they could take me downstairs. It was about an hour before I was able to see Andrew again. When it was happening I didn't really think much of it, but looking back I wish I could've been there with him.

I'm sure Andrew was wondering what on earth was going on. I think every baby feels this way. They are snug as a bug, and then all of a sudden they are put into a completely different environment. For Andrew, I'm sure it was quite the shock because he was 6 weeks early, and the first hour of his life was probably not the most pleasant. They had to try 4-5 times to get the IV into his little arm, and being around voices you aren't familiar with I'm sure is a little scary. I'm grateful that Grant was there, because I knew Andrew recognized his voice.

So after an hour I was able to go downstairs and be with him. When I got into the room they were able to give Andrew a bath, which was mostly scrubbing off all the sticky white stuff (I can't remember the technical term). Any who, Andrew did not enjoy it at all! I'm sure he was sick and tired of people bugging him, putting wires on his chest, putting needles in his little arm, etc. so he was crying quite a lot. I felt helpless! No mother wants to hear their newborn crying! I had a little voice in my head say "start talking to him" so I did. Within about 10 seconds the crying stopped, and his head was turned toward my voice. The thing I love about this is that babies can't see any color--they are drawn mostly to black and white patterns. They can't focus on images that are more than about 8 inches away from their face, so Andrew couldn't see my face. But he didn't have to--he heard my voice (one that he head heard for 8 months), recognized it, and knew that he was by his mom. I reached out my hand to grab his, and he instantly clutched his little hand around my finger. That was the most tender moment I had with him.

This is in the middle of his bath. The nurse put him down to go get more water, and he was so calm. I just kept talking to him for the rest of his bath and didn't hear a single peep out of him.

Right after his bath. It was such a tender time to finally be with my baby boy!

In the weeks that followed when he was in the NICU, every time either me or Grant would show up and start talking to the nurses, he would pop his eyes open. He had people talking around him all day, but he always knew when his mom and dad were there. This still sometimes happens. If Andrew is asleep during Sunday School, Grant and I have to think twice before raising our hands to make a comment, because most times Andrew wakes up because he hears our voices. People around us can be commenting and even talking loud, but it isn't until one of us starts talking that he wakes up.

So, to all my pregnant friends, you have tender moments to look forward to! Your babies already recognize your voice, and sometimes in the midst of all the commotion, hearing your voice is the only thing that will calm them down. They know who you are, and you know what is best for them. Don't think that you don't know what you're doing--motherly instincts are very real. I personally believe that they aren't just instincts, but promptings from the spirit. These children are God's children, and so of course He has a vested interest in their well being. Enjoy these tender moments! Write them in your journal and take pictures of them, because they make the 9 months of pregnancy and labor and delivery totally worth it!